Updating super soon b/c I took so long last time, and tbh I don't think this chapter is going to get any better. But the next update will probably take a little while longer! (Trying to get that Bangdae one shot out but I am struggling with it) I also created a playlist for this story, I don't think I'll post it until the end, but a couple of the songs will show up in chapters! Like this one.

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Forgive me

Yongguk had said the same thing when he’d first kissed him, like everything about them was some sort of sin that needed to be atoned for.

As he falls into one of the chairs in the room, Daehyun thinks he should have seen it coming. Even when Yongguk was happy he still seemed unsure, like he’d built a tower of cards and was waiting for it to collapse. In the end, Yongguk had knocked it down himself.

His head is reeling, he wants to cry but the tears won’t come and he thinks he might just be in shock, hands clammy and body impossibly tense.

There’s a knock on the door then, and a familiar voice before Himchan’s face comes into view. Daehyun stands, forcing his body to relax, to appear natural, and Himchan approaches cautiously.

“Hey, uh, Yongguk texted me. Wanted to make sure we’d all be home since Seokgu-hyung’s coming over to tell us something. He said you might be here.”

Of course. Yongguk didn’t think he could make his own decisions, it figures he’d think Daehyun would need a babysitter, too. He pushes down the frustration he feels.

“Oh, yeah, um, I’m done here,” Daehyun grabs his gym bag and walks to the open door, “Let’s go, hyung.”

Himchan shuts off the light behind them and falls into step with Daehyun.

“Were you practising?”

Daehyun nods hastily, “Yeah, you know, still have half a tour left, so.”

Himchan thankfully doesn’t ask him anymore questions.

When they get back to the dorm Seokgu-hyung is already there with the others, and Daehyun carefully avoids Yongguk’s eyes as he settles on the arm of the couch by Jongup.

They are informed of an awards ceremony they’ll have to attend in a couple days and are left with suit bags carrying their wardrobes for the day.

“This isn’t the usual idol crowd, so think about what you’ll be saying if you’re asked to talk. You can’t just get away with being cute all the time, alright?”

Kang leaves soon after that and Daehyun calls the shower first, disappearing from their sight. He can hear Youngjae and the maknaes questioning his dibs and then the deep rumble of a response from Yongguk before he shuts himself in.

He leans against the door frame for a second before turning to look into the mirror, looking for some change, something that indicated he was missing something that was just there this morning.

He won’t cry, he thinks with determination.

He won’t.

Not after tonight.

*          *          *

“Didn’t- I mean, you thought about this, right?”

Himchan waits for Yongguk’s response as they sit on the rooftop. He had known something was wrong as soon as he’d gotten that text from Yongguk, relaying Daehyun’s location and asking Himchan to take care of him if he needed it and make sure he got to the dorm.

After Seokgu had left, Himchan had left the dorm with Yongguk insisting on the explanation he knew was coming.

Yongguk scoffs, “I thought about all the ways it could go wrong. I thought about being on the cover of Dispatch. About B.A.P being ruined. I thought about us breaking up and then not being able to work together. I didn’t-”

Yongguk pauses here, letting out a huff as he looked up at the sky before he continues, “I didn’t think about the fact that even if none of that happened, that we’d still have no place to go. And by that time we’d have lost so many years-”

“Not lost, Yongguk-”

“Yes, Himchan, lost. Because he’d look back and think about all the chances he’d missed to find someone he could walk down the street with. Someone he could easily have those kids he desperately wants with. And he’d look at me and not think about years he gave me, he’d think about years he wasted on me.”

Himchan thinks that might have been the fastest, the most, he’s ever heard Yongguk speak, every syllable tumbling out of him like heavy rocks in a landslide, settling with a thud.

Yongguk rubs a hand across his face, looking out at the city with a faraway look in his eyes, “I hurt him. I know. But I’d rather have him resent me for giving him a future than for taking it away.”

Himchan sighs, fingers picking at the label peeling off his beer bottle, “Things could change by then.”

“How likely do you think that is?”

Himchan’s lips are tugged down into a frown as he continues after a beat of silence, “Guk, I’m sorry. It’s my fault. If Yongnam had seen me first I would have made sure he didn’t come up here.”

Yongguk shakes his head.

“Don’t apologize. It has nothing to do with you. I should be glad it was Nam and not someone else.”

They stare out at the city lights, the sound of traffic below providing that constant urban soundtrack.

Himchan looks to his friend, subdued, “What now?”

Yongguk’s eyes glisten.

“I don’t know.”

*          *          *

The next morning, Daehyun decides that if Yongguk could be selfish, then so could he.

The previous night’s sleep had been fitful; Daehyun wanted to crawl into bed with his leader, tuck himself into the pocket of warmth Yongguk created and beg the elder to take it all back, to take him back, and show him why he should.

But he won’t. Daehyun is a lot of things, but he’s not about to let go of his pride so easily.

He knows Yongguk still wants him.

But something had changed, had flipped a switch that Yongguk had been ignorant of, or had been disregarding. As much as his heart wants to paint Yongguk as a villain, he knows that whatever the elder is doing, he’s doing it out of some misplaced sense of honor.

Too bad Yongguk had decided to adhere to that sense too late.

Daehyun is hurt and he’s angry, and true to his nature he won’t let the elder know that because he’s still a person at the mercy of his ego. In truth, he had fearfully expected this to end at some point, but he had never considered an ending like this. He always thought it would be because Yongguk got tired of him, finally having enough of his neediness, thinking him too clingy and noisy after all and deciding to cut him loose.

The fact that they still feel for each other kills him inside.

But he can’t think about that now.

As always, he wakes the earliest. In the fresh light of day, he thinks maybe things won’t be as bad as he’d thought. But that’s before he’s fully awake, before his senses come back to him.

It’s only been a few minutes and already Daehyun can’t stand it.

He’s only ever gone through two break ups, if he could even call them that, both during high school, both mutual and borne from juvenile relationships that he had left behind with little more than fond memories of his youth.

This though, this is torture.

Yongguk will be there when he wakes, there when he sleeps. He throws on a sweater only to breathe in a familiar scent and furiously tug it off. He opens the cupboards in the kitchen to find packets of Yongguk’s favourite ramyun, heads to the closet and finds his sneaker collection.

He’s surrounded by the elder, and at the end of it all he will be expected to stand as though nothing has changed, as though Yongguk hasn’t let him down in the worst way and say yes, hyung.

He’s rummaging through the fridge, appetite minimal but looking for something that will keep his stomach quiet for the rest of their schedules. He grabs a container of some leftover noodles and is leaning back when he feels a hand against his side, a familiar grip just above his hip.

When he flinches and steps away, Yongguk moves his palm as though he’s been burned.

“Sorry, I just- Sorry.”

Daehyun says nothing, forcing himself to ignore Yongguk’s sad eyes and the tingling in his skin as he turns to the microwave.

When he hears Youngjae’s sleepy good morning and the sudden weight of a chin on his shoulder as he leans against the counter, he allows his head to tilt and brush against his best friend’s, taking some comfort in the brief contact.

Youngjae head butts him lightly and grins, “You making me food?”

Daehyun scoffs, “You wish.”

As he falls into their typical banter, he tries not to notice that the room feels a little emptier.

*          *          *

It’s good, Yongguk thinks as he leaves the kitchen, that Daehyun is so close to Youngjae, that he has somewhere to tether his affection and his restlessness.

That doesn’t make it any easier for him to see it, to see their cheeks nearly brushing, so in sync and attuned, like they’re made for each other even if Yongguk knows there’s no such feeling between them.

But Daehyun needed that. Needed love, attention, validation, and Yongguk wonders if in his need for such things he would fall into someone else’s arms for real, would seek out what Yongguk had ripped away so suddenly.

It leaves him equal parts irritated and ashamed.

Who was he to be upset with such a prospect? And worse, who was he to think he was so important? That Daehyun would even need to fill the void he created, that he had even created one at all?

For the rest of the morning, he busies himself with coddling the maknaes, ignoring their bewildered looks and taking comfort in the innocence of their smiles.

*          *          *

At the awards ceremony, Daehyun plays his part.

It’s not too hard, he’s happy for B.A.P’s accolades and success and when Yongguk isn’t in his line of vision he can temporarily wipe everything but his professional life from his mind with relative ease.

He does stiffen slightly when he hears Yongguk’s voice, feels a presence behind him and smells the distinctive scent of Yongguk’s cologne, but overall he thinks he does a good job of acting like his heart isn’t broken and  the suspect isn’t mere feet away.

If he’s honest, he has no idea how to act with things the way they are.

As far as Yongguk’s concerned, they are over, and even if they had only been together for half a year, in the context of their lives if feels like so much longer.

They are over, and yet there is still so much between them.

He wishes he could hate Yongguk, that looking at Yongguk would bring him rage and not pain, that he could look at their separation as a good thing, something better than the alternative, but he can’t do any of that.

Seokgu walks up to him, putting a large arm around him and drawing him close. He tries not to lean into the embrace too obviously.

“Daehyunnie, let’s see more of that winning smile, okay?”

“Yes, hyung.”

He walks to the stage with the others, stands in line.

Cameras go off, he schools his expression. He can feel Yongguk’s proximity behind him, somehow still comforting, even now.

Bulbs flash again.

He smiles.

*          *          *

Yongguk keeps an eye on Daehyun throughout the day.

It’s difficult to tell what’s going on in the vocalist’s mind. For the most part he seems himself, albeit a slightly more subdued version. But he smiles when members of the Creative Brand group speak to him, laughs when jokes are made, keeps a hand on Junhong to make sure he stays close, is touchy with Seokgu-hyung as usual.

If Yongguk forgets the fact that he’s also a part of B.A.P, it seems like nothing has changed.

Still, he feels as though there are things he needs to say and keeps Daehyun back in the living room after everyone else has gone to bed, the loud sounds coming from the bedroom ensuring they will remain unheard.

Daehyun stands in front of where Yongguk’s seated on the couch, arms crossed.

“I know I picked a terrible time to do this. But,” Yongguk looks down, hesitant to even speak, “We’re still in the middle of the tour-”

“You don’t have to worry.”

Yongguk doesn’t get angry that he’s been rudely cut off. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to be properly angry at Daehyun again, after what he’s done.

“I won’t do anything to fu-” Daehyun stops himself, scowling slightly “to screw things up. I thought you knew me better than that.”

Yongguk nods, accepting the cold reception, “I know you won’t.”

When he meets Daehyun eyes then, he’s surprised to find they are more hurt than angry.

“This is my dream too, you know,” the vocalist whispers.

That leaves Yongguk properly ashamed, “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Then are we done here?”

No, he wants to say, not until you say you’re okay, that this is okay, that eventually we can get back to where we were, not until you smile at me again.

“Yeah.”

I'm thinking it over

The way you make me feel all y but it's causing me shame

I wanna lean on your shoulder

I wish I was in love but I don't wanna cause any pain

And if I'm feeling like I'm evil, we've got nothing to gain

What if I never even see you cause we're both on a stage

Don't tell me listen to your song because it isn't the same

I don't wanna say your love is a waiting game

Baby I'm thinking it over

What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start

What if it only gets colder

Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart

Cause lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are

BANKS - Waiting Game

"YJ : Oh I see. Daehyun is that type of person that can’t resolve problems which can originally be resolved just by talking, because he becomes unapproachable due to his ego. [Laughs] For me, I would quickly want to clear the misunderstanding. I wouldn’t force my opinion on the other person but would try to communicate further with the person to reduce further conflicts?

DH : Hmm. Even though I know that’s my problem, it’s difficult to work around it……."

- Hallyu Pier, Nov. 2012 

Thanks for reading, guys! I'm always open to questions, or if you just want to chat~

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