Yesung                 Kangin

 

My alarm woke me at 5:45. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and hair then went out. The guys were keyed up before the broadcast and I imagined smelling waffles. That doesn't make sense. Why would I smell waffles in our dorm at 6 in the morning?!

I was wearing one of my couple pyjamas. Actually almost all my pyjamas were couple pyjamas. Back in England Robert and I did the shopping together and always picked anything that was for couples… we were a couple of nutcases anyway.

I walked to where Siwon and Kangin were actually baking waffles. Kangin was baking waffles right in front of my very eyes!

 

- Are you baking waffles now?

I asked

Kangin who was battering the waffles looked at me. I felt a burst of unidentified emotions. I averted my eyes. He said:

- Ne

Pretending to help, I commented:

- But it requires to be prepared a night before.

- I prepared it the night before

The night before? After White Feeling? After the hug? You actually prepared for today's waffles?

Can I kill him?

- Sit down; the broadcast is starting

I sat down; Siwon oppa brought cappuccino for all. The show started.

 

Episode 3:

The atmosphere was tense as we watched Kangin pushing Yesung for the bandage once then Kibum for the cut, the dance practice with Eunhyuk and me helping Yesung with lunch.

When it came to the hospital visit the tension loosened a bit. Though my meeting with student JungSu wasn't recorded, Andrew was. I wondered how they shot that. Screw it!!

 

When I saw that psychiatrist it flashed in my mind. If he's been her personal psychiatrist for 10 years he'd know her better than anyone else. I must see him.

 

- And who might Robert be?

Henry asked in the ad break

- Ah!! Robert is… my soul mate

- Mwo???

Everyone; absolutely everyone exclaimed

- What's wrong? Robert is someone I shared utterly everything with. Look at this pyjama for example; Bob has its sister and he might be wearing it now. Since the age of 20 I had only two people in my life (apart from my online friends); Robert and Dr. Andrew. Robert has been the friend, the brother and the father for me. We share strong telepathy; he most probably knows I'm talking about him now. For five whole years he was my only refuge; the only shoulder I leant on and the only embrace that kept me warm. If it wasn't for Robert I wouldn't have been here.

When I talk about Robert, I always forget my surroundings. The guys were staring at me in deference. I never saw that look in their eyes before.

 

I realised then that it was the first time I saw her defending someone and she looked so Muse-like.

 

And I thought: ah!! So this is how she looks when she's passionate about something!!

 

Before the ad break started I wondered why they omitted the part when Andrew asked about Kangin. He never mentioned a name but he obviously said that I looked troubled because I was living with HIM in the same dorm. Though I was curious, I was glad they didn’t. The break ended and I waited for the next scene but Dr. Andrew was still on the screen.

Don't tell me!!

 

- I know you're living with him in the same dorm

- That's ok

- That doesn't look ok to me

Who could '' he'' be?? Who could the person her 10-year psychiatrist asked about be?

We turned to her and asked in unison:

- Who is he?

She hesitated and he colour changed. She sipped at her cappuccino. We were all waiting when I heard Shindong saying:

- Heol!!

We turned to the screen and I saw Yesung hyung holding me by the collar.

Damn the hidden camera!!

 

- Because I like her

Sod it!! Now the whole world knows Yesung likes me. The shippers will go crazy and the fan club will celebrate and I'll get shot by Clouds.

I didn't even look at Yesung oppa. I didn't have time to because Kangin's answer was faster:

- I just want more screen time

The netizens bashed Kangin that night. Though the attack wouldn't last long he was assailed. I knew it was a lie; a big fat one. I didn't feel hurt at all, on the contrary, it would be easier to bring matters to the way they were . I'm Yesung's girlfriend after all.

 

The guys went to do the chores and the ''him'' question was forgotten; for a while.

 

I had an individual schedule with Heechul. He was going to teach me how to play League of Legends. We sat side by side on the sofa, and after some awkward movements he settled down.

- Do you have an account?

- Of course not

- Must be proud acting all refined!!

And I actually heard that!!

- Bring your laptop

- Why?

- Are you going to play on mine?!

- Why are you yelling?

- Hey you too!! Are you having a love fight?

Leeteuk exclaimed and we both screamed in concert:

- Oppa!! Hyung!!!

We exchanged looks and I ran to fetch my laptop.

Downloading the game took some considerable time. It was crazy sitting side by side on the sofa waiting for the game.

There was no time to play that day. The only thing we did was quarrelling and eating snack; like an old couple by the fireplace.

- Cherry oppa

- Wae?

- Where are Yesung and Leeteuk oppadeul?

- They're not here?

- I can't see them

- Henry!! Where is Yesung and Teuk hyung?

- I don't know. They went out

- Went out?

We exclaimed, again at the same time.

We looked away. And I knew we looked funny.

 

His office wasn't hard to find. How many Dr. Andrew could be in a Korean hospital? I knocked on the door and he looked up; looking exactly the same way as in the broadcast. When he caught my sight he couldn't hide his surprise. So he knows who I am

- Hello

- Come in

- From your expression seems like you know who I am

- Of course. Would you like to drink something?

- Thank you I'm fine. I saw you on TV this morning and I thought it'd be a good idea to come and find you

He nodded

- And I guess you know why I'm here

- I'm not sure about that

Is he kidding?

- Hasn't Chohwa told you; that we are in a relationship?

- I figured out that much

- Why did you ask her if she was ok to live in the dorm with me then?

He looked around the room, took his glasses off then put them back then walked to the door and closed it

- Mr. Yesung, since you sought me out I'll be honest with you. Chohwa might sever relationships with me forever if she knows I'm telling you this but because I care about her the most in the world I need to be frank here and now

What's wrong with him? He's freaking me out!!

- Honestly the one I asked about wasn't you sir.

Why did my heart drop suddenly?

- You might not know that but Chohwa has depression. She's been having fits for the last 10 years. There were only two people who could get her out of the depressed mood

- One is Robert

He smiled

- Yes one is Robert and the other

I was shaking suddenly

-  The other is your band member; Kangin

I knew that was coming but I kept convincing myself that it couldn't be. Chohwa was mine. She was my girlfriend and Kangin was only a bias. I watched everything and still persuaded myself that it was me. It was me she loved and now

- Chohwa likes me Dr.

- I know. She likes you well-enough ever since she fell for Super Junior but what Chohwa doesn't realise is that what she likes is how your voice affects her. Your voice heals her and I know that because I saw it. But that's all. Chohwa doesn't know that..

Would he just stop?

- While Kangin is different. Apart from me and Robert she had no man in her life; except for Kangin

- Kangin is her bias

I heard me screaming. I was shaking badly

- Kangin is her everything. I'm telling you this because I know you genuinely care about her. And by the way, she herself doesn't know what Kangin actually means to her.

I couldn't believe that. There was no way that would be true. Chohwa was mine and she loves me. She confessed that.

I rushed out of the office and drove to the dorm like a man possessed.

 

- Ya Park Chohwa

- Oh Leader-nim

- Quickly put on something beautiful

- Why?

- We're going out

- Alone?

- Yes. Quickly

- But

- I said quickly

- Ok. Siwon oppa!! Shindong oppa!! Come help me pick a dress

- Aigo!! You're spoiling her

Heechul commented.

I didn't know where we were going and it was lunch time so oppadeul chose something casual.

As I was wearing my perfume ready to go, the door flung open and Yesung oppa rushed in. His face was incomprehensible. His cheeks were scarlet red and he panted.

- Oppa, were you running?

 

She was wearing a floral long dress when she looked at me with worried eyes. Her fragrance –that I gave her as a present- filled the room. I didn't hear her question. I pushed her against the wardrobe and kissed her passionately. I locked her hand in mine. I kissed her to assure myself that what that doctor said was a pack of lies. I kissed her to calm the deafening it-might-be-true sound. I kissed her with all my longing, all my love, all my passion and all my despair. I kissed her because I didn't know if I might be able to kiss her again. I kissed her because I tried to dismiss Kangin. I kissed her again and again and she didn't struggle. I was about to pull away when her hand pulled me back and she kissed me fiercely.

 

Something bad must have happened outside I thought. Oppa must have needed me but I was so busy with the show I didn't even notice that. He kissed me violently and I wondered how severe his pain was. Then I heard the door open. Oppa must have heard it but he kissed me even stronger. I didn't try to pull away. I couldn't. How would I when he's in pain? How would I hurt Yesung even if Kangin was looking at us at that moment?

 

Teuk hyung was all over the place hurrying Chohwa to get ready when Yesung hyung rushed into the dorm. He looked hopeless and desperate. He shot me a hateful glance then asked:

- Where's Chohwa?

Donghae pointed to the room. Hyung broke into the room ordering us not to follow him. It looked bad.

Leeteuk was in a rush so he didn't pay attention and flung the door open. We saw him stepping back and whispering:

- Oh!!

- What is it?

Heechul asked and Teuk hyung shushed him. Out of curiosity I followed. And there against the wardrobe Yesung hyung was kissing Chohwa with all his might. I felt bitter. But would I do? It was okay. He was the one kissing her. Look how her free hand fell to her side. I was trying to believe it was only hyung until she his neck and pulled him closer. Last night hug felt unreal. Everything felt unreal. My eyes filled but I couldn't cry. I slowly backed away and locked myself into my room.

 

I felt a tear running down my cheek. It wasn't my tear. Yesung oppa was crying. I suddenly felt it was all because of me so I pulled him close and kissed him back. I kissed him because I should, because that was the right thing to do and because he was hurt. We kissed until we ran out of breath.

 

- Will you get ready now?

Everyone was crowded at the door watching us. How embarrassing!! I looked around and didn't see Kangin. What a relief!!    

I caught my purse ready to go when I heard Kibum saying:

- Fix your lipstick

I looked at the mirror and my lipstick was all over my face. I fixed it, kissed Yesung's cheek and followed Teuk oppa out.

It was right. What I did was right.

 

- So oppa, where are we going?

- Be quiet

I was thankful. I needed to snap out of that film scene

 We arrived at To Sok Chon. Must be something important for Teuk to invite me here.

When we entered someone called:

- Teuk-ah!!

Teuk-ah!! Are we meeting someone older than oppa??

I turned around and my eyes fell on the five guys who literally run into my veins; g.o.d

I found my hand holding Leader's sleeve. He looked at me:

- Why are you scared?

- I'm not… I'm just… I can't

- C'mon!!

He held my hand and led me to the table. All my senses were paralysed.

- So this is the Muse?

Son Ho Young oppa held his hand. I felt faint.

- Why are you so nervous?

Yoon KyeSang oppa asked as he motioned me to sit. I just froze there.

- I heard you're my fan!

That was Danny. Danny stood up. Danny walked. Danny circled his arm around my shoulder. Danny sat me beside him. Danny's shoulder brushed against mine. Danny's voice was in my ears. Can I just die?

We ate samyetang; not that I was conscious then but Teuk oppa told me later. I kept moving my eyes between the five members unbelieving.

- So Chohwa-ya?

I'll just jump out of the roof and die!! Danny called me Chohwa-ya!!

- Ne

- Tell us how you got to know us

- Ah!!

My voice was trembling. Danny oppa held my hand. He didn't know that it drove me crazy more.

- I was watching Dream Team because of Eunhyuk oppa and I saw Danny oppa there

Danny was so pleased with himself he couldn't hide it

- So you fell for me?

Can you be a bit less straightforward?

I nodded

- So I looked oppa up and found there was a band called g.o.d and etc. but I didn't check them up

- Ok?

Kim Taeyoo; don't talk.

- There was that song that Kyuhyun oppa sang in Immortal Song. I liked that song very much but I never looked it up. Once I was like: I wonder what the original would sound like and I looked it up and listened to Lies.

- And?

- For two months I only listened to Lies. After two months I looked you up and…

- They lived happily ever after

Leader Jun concluded

- Exactly

We chatted and laughed and took photos. Danny promised that we'd meet again. At around 6 we reached the dorm. All was quiet.

 

Nobody mentioned anything about the kiss and nobody even asked where we went. The guys had lunch already and I was slicing a watermelon for them to eat when my phone rang. My hands were busy so I asked Hae oppa to play it on the speaker.

- It's an international call

- Must be Rob. Pick up quickly.

 

I was excited. I really missed Robert.

- Hello

- Hello Chohwa

My heart sank into my knees.

- It's dad

I felt the shivering come back. Donghae mouthed if he should turn the speaker off and I shook my head. I felt more secure like that.

- So you're shooting a vulgar and an improper show nowadays

- Yes

- This is what you defied me for? Two guys fighting over you?

I was sorry the guys had to hear that

- No. The 14 love me Father

- Must be proud

- Very

- How does it feel to bugger about with 14 Asians in front of the cameras?

 - Awesome

Still accusing me with his icy tone

- Pull out of that show

I belly laughed

- If you don't pull out on your own, I'll make sure to make you

- This show is independent

- Adams and co. are under my control

- Boss is independent

- Does he look so to you? Do you know what might happen if I pulled some strings? Do you want to see your life monitor going bankrupt? Or rotting in jail?

My limbs were trembling badly. Kibum supported me and sat me down

- Or, shall I ruin those 14 crackpots and make sure they never stand up again? Ah, Robert is having a gallery soon, how about smashing his pieces to smithereens?

I was pressing Kibum's hand tightly. Father was quiet for a second but

- Have you met your mother yet?

- You know I haven't come here for that

- She's doing ok so if you don't want to see her in the streets again you better not seek her out. I'll wait for your call. And you know I'm quite impatient.

He hung up. I fell into a fit of weeping. I clutched onto Kibum's shirt and lost myself in sobbing.

The guys surrounded me uttering reassuring words but only I knew how serious those threats were. I had to do something but what could that be?!

We didn't go on a group activity. The guys kept trying to cheer me up to no avail. It was getting late. Heechul suggested that we all spread blankets and sleep together in the living room. I felt so touched. I hugged him. I hugged Heechul and cried again. Heechul was warm; unexpectedly warm.

At 10 we were all ready to chat, sing then sleep. But who was going to sleep beside me?

Yeah they even fought about that!!

There was a draw again and Kyuhyun and Shindong won. But then Teuk glanced around and declared:

- Forget it. The two who will sleep on her sides will be Donghae and Kibum.

I was so moved. Thank you leader.

 

- So what do you want to hear? Each one will sing a song

Sungmin held the guitar. We formed a circle; sitting on the blankets. I was holding HaeBum's hands.

- Mmm let's start with Ryeowook oppa; One Fine Spring Day

I sank into oppa's voice. The guys sang on and on then asked me to sing a song. I brought out my electric guitar; Sungmin oppa's gift and tried to practice what I learned. I asked Yesung oppa to sing along as I was going to play For One Day. Kyuhyun oppa jumped to the keyboard and played along. Oppa was singing with that voice which heals all my wounds and I determined what to do. I slept that night with Yesung's voice in my ears, the taste of his lips on mine and tears flowing down my cheeks.

*****************